In the last few years you all have seen me go from a scrappy and proudly determined renegade, to an admittedly reclusive and reluctant witch in the shadows who only pops out to pay rent or prove I’m still alive. Don’t get me wrong, the gratitude I have to be able to rest and not be part of a wider community or vocal as I used to be…I still find myself noticing the absence not of the person I was; but, the fire and optimism that was a little easier to access. Where I used to be so free expressing my (usually and mostly) informed opinion; share who I am beyond my profession; or, do more than trying to be a good standard I have seen myself get a little less and less comfortable doing that.
I’ve spent a long time sharing my life on the internet-Insta being a huge part of that. Like most people lately, I’m just tired of social media in general. Touch grass and all that lol. My weird relationship to being connected online came from more than SM fatigue. Moreso, it was fear of being vulnerable, making public mistakes. After a few friend breakups, love breakups, business breakups (all with people in the spiritualish online community in one way or another) I really started to let the anxiety of connections in this space take me away from it entirely. This really hurt me and helped me, tbh.
It helped me, because I got to really examine myself and learn to be much more independently proud of myself than I thought possible. I’ve made so many life changes that needed to be in Hermit mode-we all have to go through that at some point. I realized what I love and hate about the work I have such a passion for. I started to trust myself much more confidently in situations that surprised me. I’ve decided in this time to stop drinking regularly; tend to my mental health; learn about my autism; and, focus on healing after busting my ass to make a better life for myself.
It also got lonely. At times it was discouraging. It was also definitely tiring. I love people. I love connecting with people and practitioners. I love sharing, seeing what we all can learn and accomplish together. I think sometimes the Sag and Cancer placements played different parts in my outlook on life. It’s so weird to see hurt and pain change who you are, and know you just have to get your big kid pants on and buckle up for the ride. It didn’t help my business. My self-isolation has closed doors that stood wide open for me more times that I can count. I believe they’ll come back if they were meant for me, though. I know there’s many who view me as stand-offish, maybe a little intense, with unreachable standards. I wouldn’t call those people completely wrong. I’m a Capricorn with RBF. Plus the harsh way I treated myself probably has projected out from time to time. But I know that what is always good for me, doesn’t always feel good*.* Thus is being a hu-man.
As with any metamorphosis I have been through many stages of change. A caterpillar eating up as much love, affirmation, and opportunity sometimes to a detriment. A beheaded goo-cocoon hidden away, a puddle of vulnerable unseen change. And now, a butterfly who’s towards the end of fighting it’s way back out, into the great wide world a little bigger and brighter.
I always stress community, because it is a big part of how I’ve gotten to where I’m at as a medium, magician, and professional. I just let the bad parts, and less comfy parts take over how I saw what ended up being all of life. I’ve always been a one of a kind person. Literally, lol. There’s no other Asian, Autistic, adopted, bi-sexual, Irish/German conservative white Pentecostal pastor’s family raised, PAGAN, psychic, ancestor worker * catches breath * with a knack for helping those who help others anywhere else in the world. But all of my individual gifts alone won’t ever do as much as they could when cradled in the net that is connection.
I have nothing to sell today, no lesson to teach. I’m just here to say that I actively want to be here, and I want to be here with you. The world we live in physically, mentally, virtually, etc. is fucking fucked up, lol. People in any and every community can be nasty, malicious, and downright evil. Or at least embarrassing and stupid. Where there is the garbage, though, there is also expansive space and room left to be filled with whatever we can imagine. I’m choosing to imagine the best of our potential as people; my potential as a person trying to help others help people; and your potential (my clients, friends, colleagues, audience, and community) to be people together. I think more of us who know we have the bones to help, heal, lead, or create change should do so honestly. Professional or not the journey of self growth is an unexpected one-especially when you invite the dead, the gods, and the mycelium in for the trip.
I missed you, and me, and all of the people!
See you around more, I SWEAR
-Kieu